


Chain A Waterfall To Burned And Withered Skin

by geckoholic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-18
Updated: 2010-07-18
Packaged: 2017-10-18 02:04:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/183779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/pseuds/geckoholic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Dean goes numb, and Sam goes mental.</em> - Eight snippets from S4, Sam's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chain A Waterfall To Burned And Withered Skin

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, these drabbles exist because I spent way too much time thinking about the Sam-and-Dean dynamics in S4 while I made a fanmix.
> 
> Beta'd by prettify. All remaining mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Title is from "The Greatest View" by Silverchair.

He never thought he could feel so many things at once. Dean's back, and Sam's happy, grateful, angry, afraid, feels guilt and shame and relief.

It's the first quiet night after angels, ghosts and seals, and his brother's lying a few inches away from him, alive. Sam can hear him breathe, could see him if he'd open his eyes, touch him if he'd reach out.

He's alive, because an angel pulled him out of hell, did what Sam couldn't. What Sam was supposed to do, and for that he's not as grateful as he should be; somehow, he feels bereft.

***

Dean's a good liar, but Sam's neither stupid nor blind. Not remembering doesn't make you drink or afraid to fall asleep. Sam knew; he didn't need an angel to point that out.

He just needed an angel to make him push.

It was fatuous to think Dean wouldn't remember, but it kept them going, allowed Dean to pretend and kept Sam's guilt at bay. The only thing worse than knowing your brother burnt in hell, for you, while you failed to save him? Knowing he remembers every bit of it and has to live with that.

They both have to.

***

Sam wishes so hard to get back the times when he'd wake up to Dean's snoring. Nowadays, he wakes up to the sound of Dean dry-heaving in the bathroom, not even bile left to vomit.

He fights the urge to get up and into the bathroom, to help somehow, because that'd only make it worse for Dean. Instead, he lies still on his bed, all set to pretend he didn't wake up at all. Both for his and Dean's benefit: To save his brother's dignity, and to be able to hide the fact that he cries the tears Dean can't.

***

They sit in silence, Dean driving, nothing giving his mood away except for the fact that the radio is turned off. Dean's default is loud, noisy, making himself known, and if he goes silent, does't even want to be surrounded by sound, something's seriously wrong.

Not that Sam needs hints, not anymore.

He'd wanted to do something, earlier, by the car. To offer comfort, talk, hold, anything, but he knew he wouldn't be allowed.

So he'd waited for Dean to get into the car, followed him without so much as another word, knowing silence is the only comfort Dean'll accept.

***

Dean goes numb, and Sam goes mental.

He can deal with being snapped at, he can deal with having to keep Dean from breaking the neck of everything that looks even remotively supernatural. Fuck, he can even deal with Dean taking swings at him. But he can't deal with Dean ceasing to do anything, fading and faltering like a forgotten plant.

They've never had much, but they always had hope, and now Dean's losing even that.

Not for good; for the second time in two years, Sam makes a vow, and this time he won't fail.

Then he calls Ruby.

***

Sam watches his brother sleep, listening to the devices that were supposed to pump the life back into Dean that Alistair had almost beat out of him.

He cringes as Dean shifts postion in his sleep, immediately moans with pain but does't wake up.

At least he sleeps, now.

It's oddly fitting, though, seeing him like this. Dean's been getting weaker ever since he returned from the pit, and there he is, shattered, broken, his physical state finally mirroring his mental one. And just as before, Sam has no idea on how to fix him. How do you fix hell?

***

Part of him knows it's not Dean, not his brother, who's saying these things. Who's accusing him of being selfish, ambitious for power, mislead, not even human. A monster.

But something deep inside him isn't so sure it's not him, or that he's wrong.

All Sam wanted was his brother back, literally at first and metaphorically later. Make it all right. Be the savior for once, after what felt like a lifetime of being saved. But he failed all over again; didn't fix anything.

Maybe the road to hell really is paved with good intentions; it certainly was for Dean.


End file.
